Life . Love . Heartbreak .

On the looooooong ride to Richmond i had a lot to think about while my uncle was talkin my head off about his new girlfriend. I didn't mean to tune him out, but i had so many other things on my mind. I have never been so confused about what i want in all my life. There's friends i'm thinking about disposing of, and people i took for granted that i desperately want back. There's a dude who i wasn't really gone off at first, now i'm like outer space gone for this dude, && the shit is tearing me up inside. Then there's school. I'm so relieved to be back, but ever since i've been sitting in my room i've been feeling down && blue. Maybe its just PMS, but there were so many hopes i had for if i stayed at home. I had convinced myself that i wasn't going anywhere, now i'm ghost. It's official that i'm not the same girl that i once was. I used to want to be strong, now i just want to live. I want to feel things. I've shut my emotions off SO much in the past. It was better to not face my problems if i just convinced myself that i didn't have any. Trouble is, i DO have them, but that's not who i am. Majority of my problems aren't even things i can control, but once i control what i can shit will come together. Like dude...personally i've never regretted not saying something to a dude. But him, i feel like i let a good one slip right thru my butterfingers cause i didn't try harder. He was one of them dudes that i knew, if i gave him the power to, could crush me. And because of that i never even gave him the chance to feel me cause i immediatly shut myself off from him knowing that he could devastate me. In that being closed off to hurt, i closed my off to love. Even if it hadn't of worked out @ least i would've had fun. I've never met anybody to make me want to swallow all of my pride, and trust me, if you knew me you'd know how crazy that is! It's so hard for me to humble myself w/ people that could hurt me, cause usually when i trust people, they definitely abuse it && i got sick of the hurt. But at least i was loving, at least i knew what that felt like. At least i had a heart. Now i'm crying out like the tin man cause i just want to love again. I hope he's not just a lesson. But if he is, damn how life can be so cruel !